Baby Girl has always been a daddy's girl. When she was a mere few weeks old I remember some days where she would just cry and cry and cry. If she wasn't sleeping or eating she would be crying. It was difficult for me to manage and I ended up exhausted by the end of the day. When my husband J would wander in from a day in the office he would scoop up Baby Girl in his arms and she would instantly stop. He had the magic touch. I used to call him the baby whisperer.
As Baby Girl came out of that newborn stage we stayed on a pretty even playing ground. All 3 of us were trapped in this giant love bubble. We couldn't get enough of Baby Girl and she couldn't get enough of us. J is a really hands on dad and we would share all parenting duties. Feeding times, bed times, cuddles time, play time, comforting time. With the exception of bath time, that was always J's thing.
In the last few months there has been a shift in our dynamics. It started off quite a gradual thing but now has become a real challenge and I must say, it has shaken me as a mother at times.
These days when Baby Girl wakes at night, she calls for Daddy. If I go in to her, when she realises it's not him she gets more frantic calling out his name and it takes me forever to settle her. Whenever she hurts herself she cries out for Daddy, even if he's at work. It's especially hard when he's at work because I just can't comfort her, thank goodness for FaceTime. If she feels unwell particularly through teething she cries out for Daddy and all she wants is to be held by him. She gets distressed if he's at home and he's anywhere in the house other than the room she's in - he struggles to even get to the bathroom. If I ask for a cuddle she will point blank say no and run on over to him to snuggle with him instead. If I'm trying to feed her, she will often take her bowl away from me and pass it to him to continue. Yesterday she had a tantrum because she really wanted a biscuit but she wanted her daddy to give it to her, not me.
Rejected as a mother. That's how it makes me feel. I know she's just a toddler and these things happen as they learn about their world but it's the worst feeling to know that you are not able to comfort your own child.
One day a few weeks back, after a particularly challenging day I took to my Facebook page to vent on this topic and I got floods of support from you guys. And whilst there didn't seem to be any magic solution, so many of you shared your own stories and I was so surprised with just how common it is for a toddler to have a preferred parent whether it be mummy or daddy.
You guys also offered me some really great tips and advice so I wanted to pass on some of this knowledge because, you know, sharing is caring. Here's what you said:
Most importantly. Know that you're not alone. This is just a normal stage in a toddler development and if you chat to your fellow parent friends you'll probably get some much needed peer support and realise just how common it is.
We're still in the thick of this phase right now. Although it still hurts and can get really frustrating at times, I'm riding it out. Deep down I love that my daughter has such a close relationship with her daddy. I know in a few years from now when she enjoys doing girly things with me I'll definitely have one up on him.
For now, I'll be OK with sometimes rolling over when I hear her calling his name in the middle of the night with the knowledge that his magic touch will settle her in no time and we will all have a better night sleep for it.
Have you experienced the preferred parent dilemma? Is there anything you would add to my list of tips? How did you feel about it?
Kat x
As Baby Girl came out of that newborn stage we stayed on a pretty even playing ground. All 3 of us were trapped in this giant love bubble. We couldn't get enough of Baby Girl and she couldn't get enough of us. J is a really hands on dad and we would share all parenting duties. Feeding times, bed times, cuddles time, play time, comforting time. With the exception of bath time, that was always J's thing.
In the last few months there has been a shift in our dynamics. It started off quite a gradual thing but now has become a real challenge and I must say, it has shaken me as a mother at times.
These days when Baby Girl wakes at night, she calls for Daddy. If I go in to her, when she realises it's not him she gets more frantic calling out his name and it takes me forever to settle her. Whenever she hurts herself she cries out for Daddy, even if he's at work. It's especially hard when he's at work because I just can't comfort her, thank goodness for FaceTime. If she feels unwell particularly through teething she cries out for Daddy and all she wants is to be held by him. She gets distressed if he's at home and he's anywhere in the house other than the room she's in - he struggles to even get to the bathroom. If I ask for a cuddle she will point blank say no and run on over to him to snuggle with him instead. If I'm trying to feed her, she will often take her bowl away from me and pass it to him to continue. Yesterday she had a tantrum because she really wanted a biscuit but she wanted her daddy to give it to her, not me.
Rejected as a mother. That's how it makes me feel. I know she's just a toddler and these things happen as they learn about their world but it's the worst feeling to know that you are not able to comfort your own child.
One day a few weeks back, after a particularly challenging day I took to my Facebook page to vent on this topic and I got floods of support from you guys. And whilst there didn't seem to be any magic solution, so many of you shared your own stories and I was so surprised with just how common it is for a toddler to have a preferred parent whether it be mummy or daddy.
You guys also offered me some really great tips and advice so I wanted to pass on some of this knowledge because, you know, sharing is caring. Here's what you said:
- Ride it out, it's a phase and it will pass.
- On the most part it seems to be a common thing to start from 18 months old but get's better just after they turn two.
- Don't push for cuddles and affection, let them come to you.
- Try not to focus on the upset it can cause you.
- Enjoy an element of freedom, if your child is not calling for you at night roll over and enjoy your bed while the preferred parent settles them.
- Get the favoured parent to promote them coming to you - get them to say 'Why don't you go and give mummy/ daddy a cuddle?'
- Don't always do the bad stuff. If your child dislikes being dropped off at nursery and you're the one always doing it, switch it up for a week and get the preferred parent to do nursery duty. Balance it out.
I also did some googling and found a very helpful article on whattoexpect.com.
We're still in the thick of this phase right now. Although it still hurts and can get really frustrating at times, I'm riding it out. Deep down I love that my daughter has such a close relationship with her daddy. I know in a few years from now when she enjoys doing girly things with me I'll definitely have one up on him.
For now, I'll be OK with sometimes rolling over when I hear her calling his name in the middle of the night with the knowledge that his magic touch will settle her in no time and we will all have a better night sleep for it.
Have you experienced the preferred parent dilemma? Is there anything you would add to my list of tips? How did you feel about it?
Kat x
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This is such a great post on a really tricky subject, well written. I wrote a similar post a few months back about my little girl seems to have more fun with everyone else, and often daddy! so i know the pain but the advice about is spot on and once i realised that it got easier its normal! and now shes 2 she cant get enough of me again...so enjoy it! thanks for sharing #TheList
ReplyDeleteBaby Girl is not far off from being two and even since I wrote this I notice things are getting better. It's so hard isn't it? x
DeleteOh, this must be so hard for you! =(
ReplyDeleteJust my two penn'th.. I could well be wrong, but if my daughter started doing this, I'd be on to her. She'd be doing it for effect, then watch my reaction, which would reinforce the behaviour.
I'm not meaning to undermine at all, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what is going on. Our little ones are not silly, I think we don't always give them enough credit!
I hope it passes soon anyway. All the best xx
#TheList
You're probably very right! Baby Girl is a very smart cookie and has already started trying to mess with my mind so I wouldn't be surprised if this is another approach. She's bound to be a lawyer when he grows up LOL x
DeleteI absolutely love this post. It's truely heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you feel, but I will also assure you that it is just a phase.
I sort of feel that as the mother, you have to do all the 'mean, less fun' things which may sometimes put you in their bad books!
You little one loves you equally :)
Also, it's lovely that your partner is so hands on, little ones really deserve that from both parents, so it's really nice to hear.
Sarah xxx
www.whimsicalmumblings.co.uk
Me and Baby Girl are definitely very lucky to have J. He's definitely our knight in shining armour a lot of the time x
DeleteWe are quite the opposite. My boy only wants me. Be it day or night. Things got worse after our baby girl was born, as I would often have two crying children latched on to me, even though daddy was home.
ReplyDeleteI am sure it's not a nice feeling for you at the moment, but like anything else with kids it is just a phase. Enjoy the freedom it offers you.
#thelist
Oh wow. I think its hard for either party no matter which way it swings but I could only imagine how difficult it would be trying to juggle two little ones.
DeleteI had this with our little boy Oliver. He'd refuse to say mummy "Can you say mamma? Mamma! Mamma!" ...."Dadda". You just have to try not to take it personally and keep involved. Our older girl went to through a phase of insisting I put her to bed. Our solution she got Mr J instead #twinklytuesday
ReplyDeleteI had this with our little boy Oliver. He'd refuse to say mummy "Can you say mamma? Mamma! Mamma!" ...."Dadda". You just have to try not to take it personally and keep involved. Our older girl went to through a phase of insisting I put her to bed. Our solution she got Mr J instead #twinklytuesday
ReplyDeleteWe had a similar experience with our daughter who is now 6. She rejected Daddy and wouldn't let him do anything for her. It was very distressing for both of us. He took it very personally and it undermined his confidence as a father. We tried not to make a big deal of it or to give it too much attention and this seemed to help but it did go on for quite sometime.. Maybe a year or more. Once her baby sister was born when she was 2 and a half, it seemed to snap her out of it and these days she worships daddy!! So yes, it is a phase, it is common and it isn't personal. I concluded it was all about control (my daughter has always sought control over me/us, that's her personality). We just always responded with more love. It's tough and I even considered counselling but luckily it fizzled out before we got that far. Hope this helps in some way. Good luck! #TwinklyTuesday
ReplyDeleteWow, that must have been so tough for you. I do feel this could be a control thing. She's certainly a leader and the things that she can control like the love she gives and the food she eats are totally on her terms! Glad things have improved for you x
DeleteWe have the same problem but the other way around, sometimes all my little boy wants is me and my husband does find it hard at times. It's worth mentioning how draining it can be for the 'preferred parent' aswell. It can get a bit much when you want a bit of help but little legs won't let the other parent. Sometimes when I want to pop to the loo all I get is 'But Mummy I don't want you to!' Bless them. They don't understand, and I'm sure it will pass. Thanks for sharing. #TwinklyTuesday
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, the preferred parent is essentially the one who has to take he lead on a lot of these things during this tricky stage and managing a toddler in the best of times is hard work. Argh, remember the days where you could go to the toilet in peace? It's such a distant memory now LOL x
DeleteThis is such a good article. You baby loves you! Life is just like that, sometimes favours happen, but they can quickly change, what's important that that love is there (: And you look like a super mama by the way xxx #TwinklyTuesday
ReplyDeleteThe love is definitely there and that's the most important thing. Thanks so much for stopping by x
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