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I'm Sad. I'm Heartbroken.

I'm feeling a bit lost this week.

Let me rephrase that. I'm feeling very lost. On Friday, after getting home late from being out visiting family, I was settling Baby Girl in her cot. She was pretty much asleep. I was lying next to her and singing to her, waiting for her to go into a deep sleep before I could creep out of her room. It was about 10pm. Something told me to check my phone and have a look at the news. I must have read one of the first news reports about what was happening in Paris. As I read, I knew this was bad. Very bad. When I left her room I went straight down to the living room and told my husband J what I had read. We put the news on and watched the live reports. He ended up falling asleep on the couch, as he often does.

I was in a weird place where I couldn't stop watching, but I just didn't want to know. I wanted to hide away and be oblivious, but it was too late. I watched the whole thing unfold and finally forced myself to bed at around 2am. I went to bed that night with a broken heart. My heart was broken for the victims of this senseless crime. My heart was broken for their families. My heart was broken for the people of Paris and one of my favourite cities. The very city where my fairytale began and J proposed. My heart was broken at how many people this would affect. My heart was broken because this was one of those things that reminded me that the world isn't always a good place.

What will come of this? Is this just a horrible isolated instance, or could this really be some kind of new normalcy? My heart was broken for my innocent baby girl, sleeping soundly in her cot. What world have I brought her into and what will her future be like?

Taken today by my kitchen window

The next day as I was keeping an eye on my Facebook feed, there was many posts and pictures of solidarity. People sharing their own thoughts, feelings and fears. Friends coming together and showing support. Sadly I also saw posts of anger, strong opinions, and arguing. All because of this senseless attack. That made me sad. I just wanted to scream. We are all one. Don't let them win. There wasn't peace in the world and there wasn't peace on my FB wall.

I'm naturally a worrier and my anxiety was going into overdrive. I was meant to meet up with a girlfriend in Camden Town on Saturday. I hadn't seen her in a long time and I had been so looking forward to it. I just couldn't handle the thought of the tube or busy public places so I had to cancel. That made me sad. I've been plagued with worries about simple things in my day to day life and I know it will take me some time to feel safe again.

I had so much blog and social media work that I planned to do but I just can't bring myself to face any of it. I feel like in the bigger scheme of things, does it even really matter?  This was not the post that was meant to go up today, but the one that was just really seems irrelevant right at the minute. I almost feel guilty about writing and promoting my blog which on the most part shares just the surface of my life and is really superficial in comparison to the news stories that have been breaking over the past few days.

I will come out of my slump. I have to, if I don't - they win. I'm stronger than that. I am also very competitive and I like to win. I will do that by rising above it, being a good person, valuing my loved ones and doing good.

How are you coping?

Much love and peace to all.

Kat x

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8 comments

  1. This post really sums up exactly how I'm feeling. I feel so overwhelmed/guilty/sad/scared/etc. Great sadness for all the terror that people are living in every day, that something like that has been visited on a great city like Paris that there is so so so much hatred in the world. I love social media, for the most part, but these past few days I have seen so many nasty, hateful things in comment sections it makes my whole being feel sad. We should all be coming together, lifting on another up. I am particularly horrified at some people's comments towards refugees, etc. However, I suppose what we have to do is carry on: be compassionate, loving, help each other when we can. There's a lot of hate in the world but there *is* a lot of good. I hope you feel better and I hope you get to reschedule with your friend! xx

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    1. How are you feeling now lovely? I'm still feeling pretty aprehensive but not quite in the mindset I was when I first wrote this post. You're so right about how we manage this. It's the only way forward x

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  2. Hun I hope you're feeling better. I felt exactly the same that night. I felt scared, unsafe, sad and heartbroken. Even today my newsfeed is full of sadness. I don't understand this world we live in. It worries me more that we are bringing children in to this cruel place :( I hope you're feeling better xx

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    1. It's such a horrible and helpless feeling. I know that it makes it so much worse now that we are parents and have little people to protect x

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  3. You really have put into words how I have felt on this matter. Its weird that everything (including blogging) just tips into insignificance when this sort of thing happens, but there's empathy for you...thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

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    Replies
    1. After writing this I realised my feelings are completely normal and it made me feel better just getting it out. The only way to move forward is to live life normally but something like this comes as such a shock and just knocks you right? Big hugs x

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  4. Xxx That's all I can think to say... #coolmumclub

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    Replies
    1. Big hugs and kisses to you. Thanks for stopping by x

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